this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
