I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
