How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
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