I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You took a bar mat shot.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
