I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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