plz talk dirty to me
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
