I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
