First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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