she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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