so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
