Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
