Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
