I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
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Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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