I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
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5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
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He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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