yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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