She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
