I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
