i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
false alarm, still single
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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