all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
