god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
