so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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