hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
