I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
