Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Randomize