someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
