i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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