you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
