not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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