just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
