just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
