there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
