A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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