It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
