i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
