I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
