I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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