I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
