insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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