Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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