I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
