Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
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When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
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I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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