I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
