all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
