I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
either way he was missing a nipple.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
