I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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