Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
