I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
