Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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