well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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