your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We just shotgunned beers for America
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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