Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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