what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
