Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
this just has baby written all over it
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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