She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
