I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i drank out of a bidet.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
