cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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