that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
