oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
