Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
