There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
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I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
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I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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